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Thread: Blonde jokes


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    Blonde jokes





    A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

    A 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.


    So she peels it off and starts screaming,

    'I've won a motorhome!

    I've won a motorhome!'



    The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

    The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'



    But the blonde keeps on screaming,

    'I've won a motorhome!

    I've won a motorhome!'



    Finally, the manager comes over and says,

    'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

    You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

    Because we didn't have that as a prize.



    The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

    I've won a motorhome!'



    And she hands the ticket to the

    Manager and HE reads...


    'W I N A B A G E L'





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    Re: Blonde joke

    A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle . . . .



    In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.



    Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and now she is at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over . . . .

    As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . .



    Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

    And you thought all they did at Wal-Mart was say Hello!


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    Re: Blonde joke

    Whats the difference between a blonde male and a blonde female???


    The blonde female has the higher sperm count.

    Jacko

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    Re: Blonde jokes

    A Blonde's Year in Review

    January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight..

    February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to printlabels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottle won't fit in printer !!!

    March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6months.....box said '2-4 years!'

    April - Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

    May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ...8 cupsof water won't fit into those little packets!!!

    June - Tried to go water skiing...... .couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learnedlater, the otherswimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

    August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swampedbecause soft-top was open.

    September - The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

    October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

    November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hourper pound and I weigh 108!!

    December - Couldn't call 911 .... 'duh'..there' s no'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

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    THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
    She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
    A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
    Angrily, back into the house she went.
    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it andthen slammed it closed harder than ever.
    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
    To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
    (Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
    My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

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    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

    Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

    The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

    After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

    Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

    The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

    The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."

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    There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

    So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

    Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

    "If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

    The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

    "You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

    Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

    She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

    She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

    The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

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    A Blonde is watching the news with her husband
    when the newscaster says,
    "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

    The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing
    "That's horrible! So many men dying like that."

    Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad,
    but they were skydiving,
    and there is always that risk involved."

    After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing,
    says,
    "How many is a Brazilian?"

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?

    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
    me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
    started.'

    Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

    The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
    the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
    her and says,

    'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
    assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

    He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
    nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .




    (scroll down)
















    'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'



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    A blond wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
    and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the
    ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a
    circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
    ICE."
    Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
    cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the

    voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blond, now
    worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set
    up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came
    once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked
    skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS
    THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
    Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers.
    'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
    The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.
    The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
    'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
    The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!' ( Your gotta love this)



    The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

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    A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
    Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
    To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
    Decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
    Tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
    Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
    Harder, and still nothing happened.

    Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
    Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
    Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
    The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
    You need to roll up the windows first.'

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx

    A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
    Mechanic might try to rip me off.
    I was relieved when he told me all
    I needed was turn signal fluid.'

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    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.




    He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
    the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
    pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
    Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
    The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
    sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
    She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
    "I feel terrible," he explains,
    "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

    The blonde says,"Don't worry."
    She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
    She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
    bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
    The Easter Bunny jumps up,
    waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

    Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,
    he hops down the road another 10 feet,
    turns and waves, over and over again until he is out of sight.
    The man is astonished.
    He runs over to the woman and demands,
    "What is in that can?
    What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..


    (Are you ready for this?)
    (Are you sure?)


    (Last chance)









    (OK, here it is)
    It says,
    "Hair Spray
    Restores life to dead hair,
    and adds permanent wave."

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    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

    'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'


    'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
    My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.

    They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'


    'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.


    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.


    Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.


    With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

    'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over

    --- so now we're going to SeaWorld

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    Re: Blonde jokes

    Two blonde pilots are trying to land an airplane.

    They start descending and as they touch the ground the one blonde screams to the other blonde, "Bambi, pull up, the runaway is ending!"

    She swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.

    They make a big turn and start descending again.

    The moment they touch the ground, the first blonde screams again, "Get the plane up, Bambi, the runaway is ending!"

    The second blonde swiftly gets the plane back up in the air. They make a big turn and start descending again. This goes on again and again...

    During their fourth descent the second pilot says, "This is so dumb, Candi, they build this huge and expensive airport but with such a short runaway."

    "I know," answers Candi, "But look how wide they made it!"

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    Re: Blonde jokes

    A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
    "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
    She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
    The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
    She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
    "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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    Re: Blonde jokes



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    Re: Blonde jokes

    What do you call a brunette standing between 2 blondes?....The interpreter!

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    Re: Blonde jokes

    what do you call a blonde with a high IQ?
    A golden Retriever

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    Re: Blonde jokes

    What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?..WHEN THEY ARE BOTH ON THEIR BACKS, THEY`RE SCREWED!!

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    Re: Blonde jokes

    A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE....



    She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!

    'The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'The blonde headed off to the swamp,determined to catch an alligator.

    Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

    Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the 'gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration .....



    "Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!


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