A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Q. What''s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep!
Today is Einstein's birthday. He would have been 107.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and
says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
"Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but
can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says,
"Geez, all I can smell is....MOLASSES."
"A hamburger and fries," a man orders.
"Me, too," says the ostrich sitting beside him.
"That's $9.40," the waitress says. The man reaches into his pocket and hands her the exact change.
They return the next day. Both order a steak and potatoes, and again the man pays with exact change.
"How do you do that?" the waitress asks.
"A genie granted me two wishes," explains the man. "My first was that I'd always have the right amount of money to pay for anything."
"Wow, that's great! But what's with the ostrich?"
"My second wish was for an exotic chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and shoots himself.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks, "WHAT are you doing?!"
The New Yorker says, "So much for your canoe, jerk!!!"
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works." "O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?" "Well, what?", says the redneck. The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden! "What fish?", replied the redneck.
Rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government employees!
Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious George broke a glass or a plate?
A: Spank his monkey.
Q. What kind of bees make the best milk?
A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
A man is driving down the street and needs a parking place. He looks up and says, "Lord, if you provide me with
a spot, I'll swear off booze."
Just then an open space appears.
The man looks up again and says, "Never mind - found one."
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a
car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that read as follows
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met
said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
In an interview about his failed marriage, Paul Mcartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee
Paul said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."
Q: What did the rope say after it got tangled?
A: Oh, no, knot again.
Q: What was Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
What do you call a 4'5" psychic who is being wanted by the police?
A small medium at large.
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today"