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  1. #16
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    Re: Random Jokes

    Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to
    Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.

    The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young
    lady to entertain him.

    They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
    bit, and she sits on his lap.

    He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

    Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady
    to entertain the gentleman.

    They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
    bit, and she sits on his lap.

    He whispers in her ear, and she too screams,
    "No!" and walks quickly away.

    The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has
    asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do
    with him.

    She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola,
    will do.

    Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything
    would surprise her.

    So the madam sends her over to Hans.

    They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
    bit, and she sits on his lap.

    He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY,
    BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

    Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing
    like this in all her years of operating a brothel.

    She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time,
    but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for.

    She just has to find out what this man wants that has
    made her girls so angry.

    Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a
    lesson.

    So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in
    the house and is available.

    She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink
    and then she sits in his lap.

    Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear,

    "Can I pay in Euros?"

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    Re: Random Jokes

    I don't have to fight to prove that I'm right. I don't have to be forgiven. Stop all your whining; go get a plan. Accept what you can't change; change what you can.

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    Re: Random Jokes


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    Re: Random Jokes

    Qantas Airlines: Repair Division Australia

    In case you need a laugh:
    Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
    The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


    P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.......... (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one for last...................
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.


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    Re: Random Jokes

    .

    "Mr. Brown, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife 800$ a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!".

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    Re: Random Jokes

    Two atoms are talking:

    "Hey Barry, why the long face?"
    "I've just lost an electron."
    "What, are you sure?"
    "Yes..... I'm positive."





    Three engineers, mechanical, electrical, and civil, were sitting in a bar arguing about God.

    The mechanical engineer says "It's obvious God is a mechanical engineer. Look at the human body. Look at all the joints, tendons, and muscle systems. Only an ME could figure all that out so that we walk upright."

    The electrical engineer takes a drink and rolls his eyes. "You're wrong. God is an electrical engineer. Look at the human body! You've got neurons firing, nerve cells, signal transfers, only an EE could have even come up with that."

    The civil engineer finishes off his beet and laughs. "You're both wrong. God's obviously a civil engineer. Look at the human body! Who else but a CE would run a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"


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    Re: Random Jokes

    The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

    A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"


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    Re: Random Jokes

    A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."


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    Re: Random Jokes

    A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."


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    Re: Random Jokes

    .


    Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, this economy sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!" Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"

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    Re: Random Jokes

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. But being too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look long!"


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    Re: Random Jokes

    A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"


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    Re: Random Jokes

    .


    A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

    The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should ..."
    "Why not?" the nun asked.
    "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."
    "Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

    So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

    "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

    "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"


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    Re: Random Jokes

    .


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    Re: Random Jokes

    This really works!

    How to wash a cat

    1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...
    2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
    3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
    4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.
    6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

    7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

    8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
    9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

    From the dog


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